Those ears crack me up. Perhaps I am destined to be blessed with a vocation that gives me the privilege of listening a lot. Compassionate, curious, spacious and sometimes challenging or unusual listening with my clients in this journey of blossoming into the 3.0 versions of ourselves. We get to empower a new level of listening to the deeper truth and higher possibilities that want to emerge underneath the cacophony of noise out there or in the conditioned mind default norm.
Once upon a time my life appeared as a smash success from the outside looking in. But something started waking me up at 3 am, imploring, Is this all there is? Then my body started beeping with physical symptoms to get me to wake up out of a workaholic, seeker-achiever trying treadmill as an advertising exec in the mid 90’s corporate game- short skirt, high heels, acrylic nails. Can you see her walking down Michigan Avenue in Chicago with burgundy pumps and briefcase to match? I pried my white knuckles off that culturally-encouraged, lucrative ladder and took a leap, not knowing where I might land, including possibly going back to that justifiable path, becoming a partner and other shiny objects. 3 months later, my mother died. I took a long beach walk (on a trip to Florida) and a long look at the lives of former strivers in this retirement mecca. I pondered the insanity of working our tails off for decades to end up on the sunny side of life someday in an American Dream fairytale. I was 34 and didn’t want to wait 34 more years to end up not really healthy or happy anyway.
I took another look— inside a portal in my heart to something wiser than any of the outer popular or inner programmed voices clamoring for attention.
The ladder got replaced by an infinity loop of “inner deeper” inspiration and “higher outer” flow. Thank goodness some smart people had started a new profession called “coaching” that gave me a way to make a living at what I felt born to do. Since 1996, I’ve had the honor of working with accomplished leaders to help them wake up inspired into their Authentic Self, and consciously create better lives, livelihoods & leadership. That blossomed into an author-speaker-teacher journey I never could have imagined, and had me singing “I love my life!” I am forever a student, transformational growth lab alchemist and delightfully obsessed with What does it really take?
In 2012, visions of a new inspired leadership academy were percolating when my beloved best friend + brother got a shocking stage-4 cancer diagnosis. I dropped everything and shifted focus to cutting-edge medical research and going for miracles. In despair one night, talking to the night sky, I tried a dose of “Take me, not him,” but the angel of death didn’t adjust his appointment book. I flew to the ocean in Santa Barbara to pour out my tears and stood before the mighty water goddess, arms open, asking, “Now what? I surrender…What do you want?”
The ocean replied, Oh, sweetheart, what do YOU want?
This prompted many more beach walks. The life I had known was gone. But I didn't know that yet.
Veils parted and a sort of kundalini awakening arose. I do want LOVE in all its glorious dimensions. A bigger Yes would not take no for an answer—calling me to let go of all of the familiar safety & sanctuary I had relied on. A lovely 25-year marriage uncoupled. 50 years of living in a certain place and the long-held certainty of familiar anchors released. Come what may, I sang (along with Ewan McGregor from Moulin Rouge, cranked up in the car). Let a new Infinite Calling sweep me off my feet. Inspired Leadership 2.0 and California here we come.
I won’t sugar-coat this story with it’s been happily ever after ever since. There was new romantic bliss, business growth, invitations to speak inside of Google and such that had me feel like I had won the lottery and gone to heaven for a couple years. And then a fascinating plot twist ensued. Heart-shattering shock in my personal life (masked “Bernie Madoff” sort of runaway groom thing) sparked rug-yanked-out humiliation and a classic dark night of the soul that the counselors called “soul rape.” I could have tried to pour more effort into work, but I chose to put myself on sabbatical and said, OK, let’s burn in this fire… making room for deeper inner alchemy, Rumi poetry and rebirthing. I plummeted the depths of my pysche’s basement trap doors. I was willing to face everything, avoid nothing.
A new Marian emerged from those ashes with a strengthened soul, truly joy-fueled being, a more grounded sovereignty and new tools to liberate real source power. I used to say “Let’s fire your inner critic and get your inner champion on retainer.” But my own dark night phase revealed the real Light underneath the false wound stories and adaptive achiever strategies. I’ve since learned that the way I felt on top of the world was the perfect invitation for Kali’s sword to destroy everything I had trusted as my sources of happiness and success. And to be initiated into a new world beyond the five senses that offers new dimensions of perception and possibilities greater than what I had thought was my best life ever.
Now I say, What the world needs is LOVE-Leaders for Our Vital Evolution. And what each leader needs is unconditional LOVE pouring into every molecule inside that has forgotten how loved it is and is LOVE itself. The worst pain, then re-mothering the bleep out of myself (and activating & animating my true essence!) turned out to be the best gift to be paid forward and something to teach people how to do for themselves.
We keep learning even more about not giving our power away, not let programming run us, and have renewed zeal to pay it forward with tools fine-tuned for many years by now. :-)
These days, you might hear me singing, “Feeling good!” or “May a new flame rise in many more human hearts…a revolution of Joy, each sharing our uniquely needed parts,” and I’m a happy, grateful camper. A compassionate spaciousness holds whatever comes up (including scared, sad, shame, anger, etc.) and I know how to re-source my response-agility more than ever. I will be a student of all of this forever, and continue to play with new teachers in mind-body-heart-soul explorations for ever-evolving growth for me, too. I’m geeked to witness proof that the MLA practices are producing positive results in my own life and for clients. It all encourages me to come out of the closet with more insights and fun tools to share.
I look forward to connecting and possibly sharing an amazing new adventure with you.
